The I who am I

“…In a world full of people only some want to fly…”

It’s been quite some time since my last post and it feels good to write a little something again. The thought for this post was born of thinking about who I am.

My birthday is coming up and I was looking back on my life thus far, and feeling very alone. Misunderstood, really. Most people feel alone, I think. At least these days…and at some point, for whatever reason. I’m positive there are just as many reasons and rationalizations for feeling alone-ness as there are people who feel this way. Yet lately as I battle personal demons, I have come to embrace my alone-ness and really feel it. Really get in to it and dig in to – me.

But for this post to make any sense what-so-ever, I must regress back to my birth. I was born an Aries, a Fire sign ruled by Mars. I am also a triple Aries (sun, moon and rising) which makes for a very interesting life, history and base personality. See, Aries is ruled by Mars which is the Roman God of War. And Ares is the Greek equivalent. I am a fighter. A scrapper of sorts. Although I tend not to pick fights or arguments (a lesson learned the hard way in Junior High), if there is a worthy cause you’d better bet I am right there making a case and fighting and arguing in defense of what I perceive as “right.” And when a juicy challenge presents itself/himself, I revel in it! You see, most men I have encountered are no challenge at all. Maybe a little intriguing at first but ultimately, boring, lifeless and again passion-less. Hence the 3 dead marriages…I left them all.

Although I am a scrapper, I feel I can be very diplomatic, which has been a hard thing to train myself to be but I think I have just about mastered it. I learned the hard way that without reason and diplomacy no one listens. LOL! Therefore, the challenges I love the most are mental, or of the mind. Which again, is a part of who I am because Aries is ruled also by the head – or mind.

It has been over 5 years since I have allowed myself to be the “I who am I.” I took a break. I thought I needed it…turns out it was not in the plans of the Universe for me to turn away from who I really am. Hard lesson learned – but learned none-the-less.

A Warrior. All my life I have been fighting for things, causes, people, etc. I love it really. I get a rush from it. I feel most like myself while finding solutions to issues, defending justice and answering a challenge. Therein lies my biggest issue at the moment. After such a long absence from who I really am…the Warrior in me is gushing to get out again and play!

I am entering a most exciting phase of my life and yet…no challenge. I have raised my kids, supported husbands, taught myself a marketable skill for a new career (and I am considered an expert in my field), done years of volunteer work, and have accomplished almost anything I set my mind to. Primarily because I am a fighter who just can’t turn away from a really good challenge. I don’t want to settle and keep my feet on the ground. I have been to many dark places and stay just long enough to get my fill then I’m outta there…or a force moves me to relocate so to speak. To get up and fly away to another challenge.

My mother once told me long ago…
“No one can keep up with you.”
She told me this after I broke up with a boyfriend who turned out to be another disappointment. No sense of adventure, no passions, no dreams, no…challenge.

How do I resolve this in my head? I need challenge or I feel I have conquered and can move on. It has been this way with people, jobs and places. When it is no longer a challenge all the life is just sucked out of me and I feel a pull to move into another challenge. I learned (the hard way, yet again) that when things get dull I could just make up my own challenges…much like a game. But you can probably guess how that turns out…drama. So much drama that drama becomes a bore and again…no challenge in mindless drama.

If anyone reads this you will more than likely have no idea what I have pushed myself into over the course of my life because I just know there are things in this lifetime that I don’t want to miss. In fact, my next post should probably be my “bucket list” that I have been keeping up with for several years now. That would make for interesting reading, I assure!

But for now…I seek a new challenge. The Fire in me is strong now and getting back to original intensity which is really a great feeling. And, the Warrior in me (the Mars) is rearing His head ready to defend, which is making life more interesting and more of an adventure for those close to me. But the I who am I is ready to fly…again.

Just wanted to get this out of my head and into the cyber dimension so as to keep the memory of me for me.

If you love someone…

If you love someone you would be willing to give up everything for them, but if they loved you back they’d never ask you to.

–Anonymous

(Disclaimer: I am writing this from a female/wife/mate perspective and this in no way implies that men don’t experience the following in some way or at some point in their relationships, and this is simply an observation of my own personal experiences.  This post is also a rambling response to the feeling that came over me when i read the above quote, so if it seems a little disorganized and weird, its ok. I just had to get this out of my system and my head.)

The anonymous quote above was posted on someones FB yesterday and it really made me think about some things. Most women I know DO end up giving up so much for the person they love, without even knowing it until  it is too late.  Meaning, when you do realize you have given up too much of who you once were to become the perfect wife, lover, partner you can’t really remember who you once were after enough time goes by.  Maybe a picture, a memory or a phone call from an old friend sparks something deep inside you that reminds you of one or two elements of the past ‘you,’ but there’s still no full picture of that original person.

Now I must backtrack on this only to add one caveat: some women refuse to give up any of themselves and insist that their mate do the ‘giving up.’  All of it.  And what they end up with is a partner they don’t much care for.  Why? Because they insisted a man (or woman, whatever your preference may be) give up what makes them a man.  Sometimes, without knowing it, a woman nags, complains, whines and demands to the point that her partner is pressured to do and be someone he is not.  Do this scenario over and over and over and the man ends up only a part of who he once was. Usually, that is a man you don’t much care for and over time you lose respect for a man that gives up what made him so attractive to you in the first place.  You see?  I know its confusing, but if anyone reads this, it may be a familiar scenario.

Back to the original point:  When a man takes much of who you are, asks you to give it up in whatever way that may be, he is left with a woman he doesn’t really care for…and you are left not liking yourself much, as well.

Another caveat to this post:  Most women give up the individual they once were when they have a child or children to become a mother. This is obviously not so much ‘giving up’ who you are as it is more of a ‘becoming’ who you are meant to be. Children change everything and an individual woman becomes very connected to their offspring taking on a bit of a different person.  Not completely losing who you are as a woman, ‘motherhood-ness’ is integrated with the person you once were, resulting in more of who you are meant to be.  You see? But this is about a male/female relationships, not mother/child relationships.

Back to the original point.  One can only give up those elements that they have to give.  See, I am not bitter or angry at changing myself for the men I have loved. With 3 husbands behind me, I have become 3 different women. I have changed and morphed and altered and sacrificed and at the end of each marriage I always feel that I gave up what I had to give up.  When the marriage is over, I get it back and re-up so-to-speak, to have strength and love and passion for someone who someday, will have something to give back.  That is always my hope.

I just don’t want to be or become a woman who has nothing to give.  I want to compromise and give, I would just like to have someone who can compromise and give to me also.  That is the balance, that elusive balance that is so rare these days.  My 3 marriages may seem like a joke to some, but I keep trying.

Husband #1 The Alcoholic:  I was young, too young. He was a little older and quite full of himself but I was so in awe of his passion and ‘manliness’ but he completely fell apart when we lost our first son to SIDS. He became an alcoholic and to this day lives a very terrible life in a drunken stupor. I stopped giving up who I am after only 7 years. I tried everything to help him, but he was lost to alcohol. I supported him in every way I could – giving up all of me. He lost himself and never wanted to recover and in this 7 year process he lost him, I lost me and in the end, I wanted ‘me’ back – he didn’t.

Husband #2 Commitment-phobic:  I fell in love with a man who was my best friend.  We had known each other for many years and I liked who he was.  I figured marrying your best friend was the best possible scenario. A forever friend, lover and husband.  After the wedding and honeymoon, he lost his job and began to act very strange.  I suppose he started to feel useless despite the fact that I was supporting us just fine.  When he did go back to work he developed a crush on several women he was working with and had several affairs in a short period of time.  I can’t really say why but I suspect he was attempting to prove he was still attractive to other women.  He wanted attention from as many women as he could get.  In all the years I had known him, he didn’t want much of that type of attention until after he was married.  Something in the commitment scared him to the point that he just couldn’t be tied to me in that way.  So, turns out that marrying your best friend can turn them in to your best enemy.  LOL! We parted ways after only 7 months.  Fortunately what I gave up of myself, he gave back to me, willingly. And to this day we are very good friends again.

Husband #3 the Narcissist:  The worst of all. A classic and very ill narcissist.  He is completely unaware of his issues and hurts everyone he comes in contact with.  He took the most from me.  The more I was willing to give the more he demanded.  I wanted to ‘fix’ him…and we all know how this turns out.  LOL! Stupid me.  When he took all I had to give, he threw me out like garbage…twice.  However, I look at it this way, I had enough inside, enough of what makes me human, enough of what makes me a woman, to give and give and give. And in the end, I came out bruised and emotionally battered, yet surprisingly ready to heal and return to ‘me.’  I will probably revisit this entire story in another post someday…its a doozie! 

At this point  I still have hope and faith that someone is out there that won’t ask me to give up any of who I am.  Someone who appreciates all aspects of me, even the damaged and battered and old worn out parts of my body and soul.  I know that what I gave up of myself, the person I was giving up everything for, didn’t deserve it, not really.  I know this because they kept trying to take even after I didn’t want to give anymore up, for them.  As I attempted to return to ‘more’ of me, they didn’t like it one bit.  And as a result they had to lash out in anger and bitterness and hurt  that didn’t belong to me or wasn’t really aimed at me…..not really.  Because a person like that has to take and take and take to feel full and fulfilled.  They are so devoid of anything remotely human that it hurts to just be and let be.

This type of person started out with something, lost it and never got it back…and the tragedy is they didn’t miss it, didn’t ever do anything to get  it back and therefore, don’t know they have nothing to give, so to speak.

I know many men like this.  I also know many women like this.  So, this quote struck a chord inside me and I needed to remind myself of who I am and that I am re-upping for my life.  Not just my life, but the best part of my life.

I got on the bike 3 times and fell off.  According to one of my favorite classic movie characters Garp, I am now ‘disaster proofed’ x3!

P.S. I am well aware of the fact that this post is an admission of my own gullibility and that I do attract this type of damaged personality.  Which is a clue as to why I seem to be drawn to these types of men.  But we are all damaged in some way. We all have issues we may never be able to overcome or even acknowledge.  If I limit myself to only perfect people, I will be very lonesome for a long time. I tried my best and gave my all and accepted my partners for who they are until they could no longer stand it.  I look back and know that I tried everything to salvage all my marriages, and have no regrets for the lessons learned and choices made.  I gave my all.

And, I am also well aware that I am not an easy person to live with as damaged and ‘crazy’ as I am however,

In the immortal words of the late Mrs. Marilyn Monroe:

“I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

I didn’t deserve them at their best.  And they didn’t deserve me at mine!

Break from sweet reverie: To explain SEO

This morning it occurred to me that upon late I have had an abundance of conversations with friends (and not-so-friends) about what it is that I do for a living. Rather, what I claim as a skill that I wouldn’t mind continuing to do for financial (to some degree) profit for the rest of my days. In order to explain the complexities of the industry I have chosen to include myself in, I will need to use a practical example.  Not so much as to simplify the intricacy of the term, but to help me to stay on topic…LOL! Please keep in mind that the title is misleading in that I am only explaining the very basic, first step of SEO.

Most of you know that as I jump up on a soapbox of almost any topic, I tend to spew ramblings of sense and nonsense making conversation with me a bit tricky to understand.  This is simply because my left and right brain are working overtime…at the same time. The creative and the logical combining in a very confusing and often irrationally-rational manner. However, most of you will also contest that at the end of said conversation, I do try to tie it all together in some coherent way.

So, SEO.

SEO stands for Search Engine Optimization. I view SEO as the process by which some technical and creative things done to the front end and back end of a website can allow search engines to not only find said site in the black hole of the internet, but can give value and ranks and placement in search results. Search results are those links with text that come up when you search for things on Google, or Yahoo, or MSN, or Bing, and the like. Google, Yahoo, MSN,  Bing … these are search engines.

SEO is a set of tasks, features and rules that make a website “Optimized” for search.

SEO is not to be confused with SEM or Search Engine Marketing, which has to do with paid ‘stuff’ and other marketing related tools.  SEO is essentially working with organic search…”organic search” … look it up, no time for explanation of that one just now… sorry! 

Proper SEO techniques can help level the playing field for small and medium sized businesses and allow them to compete in the marketplace against the largest global businesses. Good SEO can also help the global giants to tap in to the smaller, more localized markets they may be missing out on by being soooo friggin big.

So, in one case, good SEO can make you larger, and in the other, it can make you smaller and more attainable. Smaller is not a bad thing, let me remind all you who think that there is somewhere else to go after you’ve reached global status. What, you wanna go UNIVERSAL!?  Well, eventually, your SEO will be able to help you do that too! 

Now for my example:
I have a friend who lives in a very small town of 3500. He owns a small candle shop left to him by his grandmother. Very sweet…gushing with family traditions and recipes and the like. One day he decided he could benefit from having a website built so that he could reach people outside of the small community and begin to expand his business.  Now, being a small shop in a small town meant having a very small budget to work with. Not uncommon in the least. So, he searched the internet and found a company who could build him a site and get his business “out there,” for a monthly fee. A small and manageable fee, mind you. Very simple, very attainable and very common that small business start out on the web in this particular manner.

He signed up online, made his payment online and started using the online site builder, which is included in his website package for the small fee. (in order to keep your monthly fee low, you are left to your own devices to build your own site) About a month later, he had completed his new business website! Eureeka!  The orders should start pouring in any day now!  However, to his chagrin, no orders. None at all from his website. But, business was ok with referrals from current customers and he was actually getting phone orders from relatives or relatives of friends and such, so the website just sat there.  Out in the black hole of lost websites, like so many do, his site was not working, it was not “found” by anyone looking for his particular product.

Now, it is easy to think that “of course his site isn’t being found, he’s competing with other much larger websites…monster sites that sell candles and fragrances and family heirlooms.”  Tsk, Tsk.

When I met this man I asked about his website and to my surprise, he said he had one, but it didn’t do anything so he was considering not renewing his contract with the website company. I felt my stomach churn and dizzy a little, as I let that statement set in to my small, and colorful, left/right brain thinking. Please refer to the statement in bold above about my beliefs of what proper SEO can do for EVERYONE. As nails on a chalkboard, his words made me cringe.

I begged him to reconsider and set out to try to explain to him what SEO is and what it can do for his non-existent, small, quaint website. I believe, I believe…<clicking heels and returning to the solid ground with the rest of the non-believers – or unenlightened>

He gave me a business card with the web address on it and I left his shop on a mission. He had given me permission to look through the site and give feedback, which I was all too happy to do, as many of us are. (if for no other reason, than to shine the light on the idea that all websites can be found)

Well, when I looked at the site I found large images of his late and oh so sweet grandmother, who started making candles many, many years ago.  I found again, large images of the shop and its contents. I found text…some of which was a little confusing and incoherent. I found no links, broken links and even an image of a PayPal order button that didn’t do anything. I found no meta stuff. I found garbled and foreign HTML coding. I found a strange URL structure. I found many, many things that almost made me cry for him. So, I began a very long laundry list of simple tasks that could improve, nay BEGIN his actual web business/presence experience.

I made the call. I explained in my best and most non-technical of vocabulary what I wanted to do to his site and what the possible results might be. After a long pause, he said: “ok,… what?”

Eventually, I began work on his site. I will not go in to detail as to what specifically was done, as this musing is meant as an explanation of what SEO is and a little of what it does.

SEO is complex and fraught with crazy terms and algorithms and acronyms and yes, myths and untruths and slights of hand and evil stories of ‘black hats’ and ‘gray hats’ and all sorts of hats and other confusing stuff.

SEO, when done properly is also…see bold explanation above.

Breaking it down:
S – earch, search: when someone or something searches a ‘search engine’ to find a thing or topic.

E – ngine, engine: the search engine is the mechanism online which people or things use to ‘search’ in to find a thing or topic. (Google, Yahoo, MSN, Bing, etc.)

O – ptimization, optimization: the means by which a specialist makes a website ‘search-able’ and ‘findable’ to said engines of search.

See, you can have a website, but if the search engines don’t know you are online, you will never come up in a search. See, it’s like this: I go on my computer to find ‘country made candles’ (in reference to my friends products above). I go to my Yahoo homepage, which is my search engine of preference, and is defaulted on my own computer. I then, in the search box I type in “country made candles.” I expect that the results of that search will give me a list of websites and business that I can go to, to purchase said items. My computer does its thing and viola!, I get a list of 10 or so results on one page and somewhere on that page I will get a number representing how many websites were actually found using the term “Country made candles” and that number will be large…like millions large. I’m sure we’ve all seen this number on a search result page (and think…damn, how can there be millions of sites that sell ‘country made candles?’). Now, I can choose to click on one of the first returned links on the first page, or I can chose to go to the next page of results. What do you think I do? What would you do? My guess is, you either click on a familiar link (like Amazon or Ebay or some familiar site that is recognizable to you, because those are the most popular in search results) or you click one of the links in that first page of results and don’t ever bother going to the next page of results. Like most, you want quick, easy and simple.

There are other links on search results pages which run across the top and down the right-hand side of the page. These are paid links and deal with SEM.  We will not discuss those links here, only the organic or middle of the page link results.

Now, my friends website, being so outta whack, will be like number 5 milllion of the results that are returned to me, if he is in the results at all. So, I set out to revamp the most critical elements of his site so that he could get indexed by the search engines. Being indexed is step one to being ‘findable’ on the internet. Being indexed means that you  essentially ‘exist’ online and are among the gazillion or so other sites out in cyberspce. It is a work in progress and good SEO does NOT happen overnight.

Ok, so how can his site be recognized or indexed by the search engines? Well, that’s really complicated but I will do my best to simplify:

All search engines need to be able to ‘see’ a website before it can acknowledge it. In order for this to happen, the creators of the World Wide Web and search engines came up with an ingenious way to do this: they created little “bots” or “spiders” or what I visualize as something out of a sci-fi movie, that crawl around all over the black hole of the internet  – cyberspace – if you will, and ‘find’ websites. In order for a website to be found by these bots, there must be certain elements present in the coding of the website, along with a few other key things.

SIDE STORY: An SEO Fairytale
One day a search engine spider was crawling around cyberspace looking for new and wondrous websites to index. We’ll call him Charlie. Charlie stumbled upon a new site that had never been indexed and knocked on the door to be let in.  “Let me in so I can crawl you and index you amongst the many other websites.”  “Oh, you will love it when you are indexed and can live among the indexed and ranked sites.” Charlie go no response. Charlie moved on to find other sites that would let him in. You see, it is Charlie’s job to locate, index, rank and other such things. He is programmed to do this several times each and every day…all over the black hole of lost sites along with re-evaluating found sites…looking for new data, new ‘input’ and new content to index, catalog and rank.

Now, think of Charlie as a health inspector for websites. He has a key that will unlock almost any site in order to enter it, evaluate it, collect data from it, and then report back to the search engine he works for. (each search engine has many of these “Charlie’s running around cyberspace)

The reason Charlie was not let in to the site he came upon, is simply because the code at the door was incorrect or non-existent. The door was essentially locked. It also could be that instead of code that Charlie recognized as an open door, he found something quite foreign such as an un-coded list of images or flashy things or dividers and boxy things that confused him and made his eyes hurt and scared him off. Despite the fact that there was a wealth of content and new and fun or weird stuff beyond the door, Charlie would never get to see it. Nor would a person searching for it.

It could also be that Charlie’s key did not fit the lock of the site he was trying to enter…essentially the door was built wrong. Or, the door opened just a little and Charlie couldn’t enter the site all the way due to junk piled up just inside the door, blocking his entrance.

If my friends country candle website had a clear, well-built door with a sign on the door saying “Country Made Candles, Please Come In” Charlie would have surely entered, which is the first step in being a for real website, and much like Pinocchio becoming a for-real boy…a little SEO magic is needed for that to happen.

Now, when Charlie finally finds a door to enter, he comes in with his clipboard and starts evaluating whats inside the website. If he finds well organized, clearly identifiable and relevant “stuff” he will index the site as a newcomer to the web and report this back to his engine. And let me tell you, Charlie is quite a hard-ass when it comes to evaluating sites. He has the power to index, give points for good things and take away points for bad things…he also has the power to report back to his engine if a site is doing illegal or gangsta-like stuff inside their site…and the engine will basically turn off your lights and kick you out of your neighborhood.

One instance of this is, say you’ve had a site indexed and you decide to grow pot in the garage…the very next time Charlie visits…POOOF! You are kicked out, gone forever, never to be seen again on the internet.

The upside to having Charlie visit your site on a regular basis is that you should be adding new and relevant information to your site to make it better. You should be taking notes from your bigger and better neighbors to see how to improve your own site and every time Charlie visits, he notes all changes and either adds points or takes them away, based on how well you are complying with the rules of the neighborhood.

Now, keep in mind, your site is going to be visited by several “Charlie’s” from all the search engines, and that all engines have a different set of rules or criteria that must be met in order to be an index-able and ranked site with that particular engine. That’s where a good, ethical and professional SEO can help you. From the smallest of sites to the largest of sites…they all need SEO.

THE END

The end? Are you serious…could it be that simple? Is it really that friggin complicated? Yes. And no. If your website is not properly coded, properly designed, heavily flooded with images and flashy things or contains elements that break the rules, you will not get the results that others get. Period.

When I began to know about websites, SEO didn’t yet exist. There were thousands of websites out there, yet they were not organized in any particular way, so you had to know the exact URL -or- website address in order to find the site you were looking for. Well, over time, and several millions of more websites, there needed to be a way to organize, index and and rank websites in order to give the searcher (that’s you) coherent and relevant results when you search for a thing or topic. Hence, SEO was born (I will not give even a hint of when this actually happened, so as to not give a clue as to how old I am…LOL! But for those who already know…go easy). And this has been my simple initial explanation of how that begins to work.

Keep in mind that this is just the minimal information I think one needs to begin to understand how this process begins to work. And it DOES work.

I do not know if I have the guts to do a part-two, but we’ll see.

Please feel free to ask questions send comments and the like. I’d love to know if this actually helped any of you have a better understanding of what I do.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Gwen

P.S. MY OPINION: No one can promise page 1 results in Google…EVER!  Using good SEO techniques can however, ensure that your audience gets the very best of your information in a fast and organized manner, above your competition. Good SEO techniques should be used to communicate clearly with your human market, not as an end-all, be-all set of rules for your website. It’s terrific to design a search engine friendly website, but your first and foremost priorities should be to provide a great web experience for your human audience. A proper balance of human and non-human techniques, based on your particular business and a little target market research, makes for a professional and successful website.

Honor, Loyalty and other Nonsense

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary the term “Honor” means: “… a: a keen sense of ethical conduct : integrity <wouldn’t do it as a matter of honor> b : one’s word given as a guarantee of performance <on my honor, I will be there>.”

I take this to mean that one has a strong sense of personal values which they live by, not subject to much interpretation or change. My sometimes unrealistic and idealist view is that most people live by a personal code of honor. I am commonly proven wrong at the most amazing acts by people I thought I knew well in this way.  Life is rockin right along and then someone pulls a stunt or an act that makes me really surprised at the lack of their personal honor and I wonder if they even know it, or think of it in this way.

I’ll give an example: A man married for 15 years with children, a home, job and basically living the American dream suddenly decides one day, quite out of the blue to leave his wife, kids and home for another woman. Now, I know one must honor themselves, but what Universal law governs the loss of honor to the original commitment to wife and kids? Where does that go? Is it really justified by “honoring” oneself to follow your ‘heart’ all willy-nilly, jumping from life to life, leaving behind destruction, devastation and heart-break?

I say a resounding NO WAY! The cowards way is any way that does not honor vows, promises and other forms of binding agreements, written or otherwise. Of course I’m always guilty of staying in situations way beyond my welcome in an attempt to honor the vow, promise or agreement I made, to my own detriment. So, am I honoring myself by doing this?  I don’t know.

It was not always so. Used to be, and at one time, I made the same self-serving and selfish decisions I see others making and I used the same shallow excuses for my behavior. But I really got tired of being let down by those who had no honor in their lives and realized that I had none, either. So, I set out to change that. And it is a hard and long road to attempt to change such a seemingly unattainable goal. But I really like the word itself and this drove me on in my quest. I work at it every day and realize this goal will always be a work in progress.

Am I allowed to change my mind once I’ve made a promise?  Of course. The disclaimer to this is that there is actually a good way to make a mind change…honesty. If at any time I feel I’ve made a mistake or made a promise or vow in haste and need to backtrack, honesty to myself first, then honesty to the people or person to whom I made the original promise. If I try to hide the fact that I have doubts, the other will know it on some level and those feelings can begin to cause mistrust, doubt and I will have, at that point, stopped honoring myself along with the other(s) involved. There is also a timeframe and manner in which to make such changes to promises, in order to save the others involved as much heartache, trouble, inconvenience, etc. In other words…making a life-altering change for yourself and others, there must be substantial time to make necessary adjustments and planning for said change.

I look around and see very little honor.  The real kind of honor that isn’t just lip service and ‘show.’  I don’t want to have to expend the extra energy it takes to make up empty excuses for my bad behavior or poor judgment.  I’d much rather have honor and live in honor. When I honor myself, I honor those around me. Cowardice is easy…too easy for my taste.

Now loyalty is defined (by the same reference source) as: “Unswerving in allegiance: as a : faithful in allegiance to one’s lawful sovereign or government b : faithful to a private person to whom fidelity is due c : faithful to a cause, ideal, custom, institution, or product.”

This term has become almost non-existent these days, in my opinion. I can count on one hand the people I know who actually know what loyalty means and actually practices it as a part of who they are. This is so disappointing.

An example: 3 friends: friend 1 has a disagreement with friend 2 and friend 3 takes a neutral stance in the issue between the other 2. Now this is a touchy situation. However, if the issue is serious enough, friend 3 remaining neutral is actually practicing disloyalty. Playing the part of Switzerland, if you will. This is dangerous and hurtful for all involved, but in my opinion, one must choose a ‘side’ to support. Otherwise, where is the honor? Can a person really be loyal to 2 people of opposite ends of an issue? Does friend 3 honor both other friends by not taking sides, despite the fact that friend 3 has a very strong opinion in the issue at hand?

I know this is confusing, but I want to revisit a couple of things from a previous post. Family (blood or chosen) is always the side one should take, again in my opinion. We don’t get to choose most of our family members but that doesn’t give anyone the right to alienate a family member because of a disagreement.  You can say you don’t agree, but outright being disloyal is a travesty, to me.

Chosen family: once you make a choice to call someone ‘family’ and accept the person(s) into your family, that’s it, done deal. You must accept the person for who they are, good, bad or otherwise…and stand by that person, no matter what. That’s loyalty. And being a loyal person, you have honor.

It’s just crushing to see a lack of these qualities in people. I don’t get it. Have we really strayed so far from our values that people are expendable, as the mood or circumstance changes? Do we, as a society promote the lack of honor and loyalty? Is this what I’m seeing? It almost seems as though these are just words of nonsense that casually get thrown around in an effort to make one ‘look’ better or feel better about themselves. Provided, anyone even really thinks of these terms as meaningful values anymore.

I want to. I have always had a tendency to choose sides, if you will. If I am pushed to make a choice or take a side, I do it based on what I believe to be my truth. And, I attempt to do this with as much honesty as possible. Not perfection, like I said it’s always going to be a work in progress. But a work that defines me.

In the past few months I have seen friendships torn apart, marriages ended and families divided. And, being close to these situations I saw horrific lack of honor and loyalty. Achieving these qualities takes work…hard work. But only those things we work hard for are worth anything in this life. Right? Am I way off course here? Does anyone care to have honor and loyalty associated with their own value system anymore? Or is it nonsense now and considered too old-fashioned and out-dated to be loyal to a friend and honor ones family?

Up on my high horse, I am always humbled when I see honor and true loyalty in action, but it rarely happens anymore. As a side note: When I do express my own loyalty and honor to myself, beliefs, friends and family I usually get in to trouble or at least lose a friend or 2. Why is this? I stand by what I believe, why is that so hard for people to understand? Is it frightening in some way?  Do I offend others by standing strong and not giving in to what someone else wants me to do, think or say?

I don’t know. But I’ll tell you this: I want to continue to back my beliefs, my friends and my family at any cost and live in honor and loyalty.

Then again, you really have to know yourself in order to know what you are loyal to and what/how you honor.

Maybe there are just a whole lot of people who don’t know themselves well enough to make those choices.

To be continued…

Fool’s Paradise

Lately it seems there is so much suffering, depression and devastating events in the lives of many. This got me to thinking about how to help and perhaps help solve some of the issues with those close to me. I can be so nosey and quite the little butt-insky! That doesn’t stop me from wanting desperately to help my dear ones out of whatever misery they suffer.

The fool is a card of complete innocence and non-knowledge in any particular issue and therefore, can be the best source for new and exciting ideas to conquer major hurdles. The fool has no external influences, ulterior motives or ‘in-the-box thinking.’ I’m sure we all know someone we consider a fool in this regard. Not necessarily a complete moron or idiot, although this type of person is ripe with alternative thinking, that can be quite astoundingly profound, if you just listen.

Not everything in life will make complete sense or even relate to ‘you’ at any given time…or so it may seem.

Listening to a fool, moron or idiot might seem like a bad idea, but it’s the listening part that is key. You see, I have a tendency to not listen as much as I should. Or, listen to the wrong people with the same, conventional and typical ideas that come from living life in a box. It’s time for breaking out of the box and really listening to ideas that may at first seem uncomfortable, but can yield the greatest, most fantastic results.

Never underestimate the golden (and simple) ideas that come from the fool. And, know that there is a fool out there with the best idea or advice you need right now.  Listen with an open mind and heart and you’ll ‘get it.’

Remember, not everything that happens in your own realm of existence, is for your benefit or for your sorrow. Sometimes the things we go through in life are for the benefit and learning of someone else. When you question “why” don’t just question “why me.” you should be including in your questioning, “who else is involved and why.”

This little tidbit should help clear up a few nagging issues for you, for the time being.

Gwentuition – signing out to seek my fool, for now…

Blue Moon: Eve of the New Year

On this, the eve of the new year I want to post something personal to summarize some of what I’ve learned in my past 39 years. Looking backward is not exactly protocol for this day of the year, but I feel I have a unique perspective and want to share. You see, most of you know that a Blue Moon is pretty special and having this moon of blue on the eve of a new year seems very poetic to me and it’s special powers are bringing out the joy that has been lying dormant in my soul for far too long.

As most of you know, I have the rare privileged of being born with a genetic kidney disease, along with the ability to remain as much in denial about it as humanly possible, until recently. This bodily defect and its effects on my mind and soul have given me many years of priceless lessons for me to carry over to the next life, but why waste such pearls on a new and foreign realm when I have a voice and platform right here, with the people who have known me and some who haven’t. It also helps that I so enjoy babbling on about things passionate in my heart.

About a week go I was having a really bad day when a friend called. He asked the problem and instead of keeping my big trap shut, I released the frustration by verbally throwing up on him about my bad day.  “I’m so tired of dying,” I said to him. LOL! His response was infuriating: “We’re all dying, sweety.” Again…LOL! I was shocked by the response, yet decided to suppress my gag reflex to explain why I had said that particular set of words (having to explain the pain of being a damaged and diseased person, who happens to not only be dying a very slow and excruciatingly painful death, but who also was losing hope and worst of all…joy) and instead just agreed with him.

After that exchange I began to ‘see’ signs from the Universe that some of my bad days are due to a lack of being able to tap in to things that bring me joy.  And from there, I have realized that of the lessons I’ve learned, most have to do with this elusive and impishly fickle emotion. Hence, my need to hurl these words to you in this post…

Gwen’s Top 10 Rules to Live by In the New Year!

1) Family (blood relation or chosen) is not expendable. Loyalty to anyone you consider family is a number 1 priority, no matter what. Being loyal brings joy. When you are asked to no longer be a part of a “family,” make your exit…even if you do it with flair, anger or  regret. Never stay where are not welcome. That takes your joy, and there’s more joy to be found elsewhere.

2) Stay on the side of your children, no matter how much you know. Children, even the semi-adult ones need someone they can trust, no matter what. Kiddos have a tendency to lie, cheat and some even steal, to push limits, test boundaries and the like. These things aren’t worth losing the trust of your child. Although children are family, they do not fall under rule #1 above. Never leave the life of your children, or allow them to leave you, ever, under any circumstances. I have the joy of knowing I have never left their side.

3) It is not worth my time or effort to work at a job that takes my joy. Everyone is replaceable, jobs are hard to find, the economy sucks and the energy zap of those things takes my joy. Work a job that you love even if it doesn’t financially live up to your expectations. The joy of it will far outweigh the cut in pay.

4) Everyone has a unique gift and talent, even if you don’t think so. Try everything. And when you find something you really feel passionate about…there’s your talent.  Use it in every way you can, every day. Live the joy of it.

5) If you lose something you thought was yours, you were wrong, weren’t you? Let it go, only after going through the grieving process which very well may mean screaming, crying, blaming, etc. Venting is (or can be) joyful when done properly. Don’t suppress your emotions…that can make you sicker, and you don’t need any more sick. Get it out so you can get back to joy.

6) Don’t waste one moment of precious time on people who DO NOT HONOR YOU! When you find someone (or they find you) that loves you more than you love yourself…this is unconditional love. And only unconditional love brings joy. Never, ever again suffer half-love or partial love or semi-love. You’ll know that you have unconditional love when the other person accepts you with ALL your damage, flaws and issues, AND sticks around for the adventure of what comes next…EVERY SINGLE DAY. I have the joy of knowing these people who love me unconditionally:

Mom – Your strength has always been an inspiration to many. I only hope to be as strong and positive and live up to your honor. You love unconditionally and always have – no matter the person. Thank you for the joy of you.
Johnny - What can I say. In the past couple of months I have seen a side of you I never knew…and that is my fault for not seeing it. You treat me as a real daughter with the care and love of a Dad. Thank you for that.
Ingrid - Rule #1 says it all with you my dear sister. We have had our moments, but they were just that…moments. You still accept me, even when you don’t really want to. Thank you for the joy of that.
Corey – My dear, sweet, son… You will know unconditional love because you were raised that way. You give that to me and you don’t even know it yet…someday you will. My joy is knowing that you take after me (and others who helped raise you) and will have the same passion and fire.
Reagan - My dear, sweet, oldest son… Your independence is maddening to me at times, yet I understand that you come by it honestly.  You take after your father. My joy is in knowing you will only have the good of your father mixed with the best of me and those who helped raise you.
Tony – You have always honored me and loved me unconditionally. We have spent years apart and yet I know to this very day, if I ever needed, you’d be there first. You always treated me like a lady, even if I didn’t deserve it…that brings me joy.
Darrell – Without you there would be no Jacob. I always considered you as my first love. Through the trials of our past, you still call me ‘friend.’ I am so proud that you have honored yourself enough to have the strength to make the changes in your own life for your beautiful family. You and Jacob bring joy to me.
Robin – You are a true friend. You have never judged me and always heard me speak from my heart. You accept me with all my flaws and never fail to surprise me with your own will to be a better Robin. That inspires me and brings me joy. You are the true example of beauty by which most others should try to attain.
Jeff – You make me laugh and that eases so much. Our friendship over the years has taken many forms, yet I feel that you have accepted me for who I am, unconditionally. Having you in my life, in whatever manner…is a joy.
Joey – We’ve not spoken in a while, yet I know when we do it will be as if we never missed a day. For as damaged as I am, you never made me feel that way. You are a unique and special man…don’t change…too much. Again, our history is a strange one, yet when I look back the joy of it is still there.
Darrell, Jeff and Joey - (I have to include this part for the three of you) When Corey and Reagan were babies and I was scared and on my own with them, the three of you used to sing them to sleep. This single memory brings me one of the greatest joys of my life. When I see the kiddos all grow’d up and trying to be men, I think of this memory. You guys will never know the impact you had on me and the boys. For a short time in history, we were a family of misfits who all tried to make the best of things. That is joy.
Suzie - Rules 1, 2, 5 & 6 apply here. You may not love me unconditionally, but I love you unconditionally.  I love you enough for the both of us and have a lifetime of memories to bring back the joy. And at the ‘end of the day’ you will find your own joy and return to ‘you.’ Knowing this brings me joy, even after the pain of losing a sister.
3 children I may never know – No regrets and only the joy of knowing the rules of the Universe trump all my rules.
Ron - You are perhaps one of the only people in this world who knows me and gets me. Without your unconditional love I would be a lesser person. You bring me joy every single day.

K, enough about that…there are several more I could list and I will make sure to get you the message. Back to the rules.

7) Don’t live in someone else’s box. If your world is governed by anyone other than yourself, you are in their box. My world over the past 3-something years has been governed by a man who didn’t love and honor me along with my Doctors. I had to come to terms with the fact that my Doc’s can’t cure me, therefore I must live by my code, not theirs. Hence, I am a kidney patient who smokes.  LOL! Silly, but I follow all the other “kidney disease” rules, I’m going to smoke. It brings me joy. And for the other…see rule #6.

8: Revise your ‘bucket list’ and keep checking off the things you accomplish. Accomplish as many of those things as possible, even if fear is involved. See, fear can be there, that’s ok. When you choose to accomplish a mission through the fear, uh shocker…the fear goes away. LOL! Gwen, you are dying a slow, painful death each and every day, don’t waste time on tasks that DON’T BRING YOU JOY!

9) As you lose the ability to do certain things, don’t see the limitations…find compromise and work-arounds to remain as active as possible.  In other words…if a door is slammed in your face, look for the window and smash it open. There is always a way when you have the will. And girrrrrll, do you have will. Always have…don’t lose it this year. Remember the joy that comes from overcoming. You have done things in your life that most wouldn’t dare…joy!

10) Accept yourself as damaged. Your body isn’t like the ‘normals’ out there who live with the mundane. You are uniquely and beautifully and gloriously…you. Your body will give out. You will have days, perhaps weeks and months of pain and weakness, this can’t be avoided and will certainly get worse as the years pass. Work around it and know that you always have options as in rule #9. Help others who are damaged to accept themselves for who they are, as well. This will bring you J-O-Y!

Have a Happy New Year and my wish for the coming is that you get all you ever wanted and wished for. The magic of this Blue Moon/Eve of the New Year will certainly prove joyous!

Dirty Little Secret: The Uninsured Sick

No pulling cards today or jumping on a soapbox about my deadbeat ex.  Today I’m angry at the system. Now, I don’t know much about politics and don’t care to get too far involved so as to further raise my already high blood pressure. Why do I have high blood pressure you ask?  I’m so glad you asked!  I have Polycystic Kidney Disease (PKD). Never heard of it? Neither had I until I was diagnosed almost 17 years go by the Baylor Nephrology Department in Dallas, TX.  And by that, I mean the ENTIRE team of Nephrologists at the Baylor Health System stood in an exam room trying to convince me (with x-rays, CAT scans and IVP results in hand) that I had this disease. I was in such shock and denial that I went home and decided that they were all wrong and had made a huge mistake. Kidney disease, are you serious? Get real…

At the age of 22 I passed my first kidney stone and that same year was told I had high blood pressure. I spent the better part of a year going through every possible test to find the source of the pressure in my blood when I was finally referred over to Baylor by my Primary Doc. Another battery of tests and viola! The source: swelling kidneys due to seedling cysts on both filtering organs. Doc’s said my kidney function was fine, the disease was genetic and there were no treatments or cures…just go home, take your blood pressure meds and live your life.

So I did. For 12 years, during which I passed another 6 stones, at least.

Then the bottom dropped out. One day out of nowhere, I began to have a feeling of dread, then pain in my lower abdomen, then doubled over and couldn’t get back up. I was taken to the Baylor Emergency room where I was told that a cluster of cysts had ruptured in my left kidney.  WHAT!  You never told me they could do that!  And further, you certainly left out the part where there would be excruciating pain! I was in the hospital for 7 days while on a morphine drip to ease the pain. No other treatments or meds or cures, just pain management. WHAT! There’s NOTHING else that can be done? Are you kidding me? You guys can cure cancer and you can’t make my kidneys stop doing this?

Anyway, back to my original issue. Here it is several years later and I now live in daily pain from a chronic illness that has no cure, no treatment and will cause my kidneys to fail within the next couple of years. Did I ask for this? Hell’s No. Are you serious?  Who would ask for this shit? I’m no beauty queen but for several years my dance card was full, people. I can’t be diseased!  LOL!

The much bigger issue is that I have recently lost my insurance. If you don’t know how this story goes I’m here to tell you:

After the deadbeat, bastard husband left, I was to move back home to TX to a small town with family to collect myself, which at that point had completely shattered. Did my disease go away during this process…of course not. So off I went to try to find a health clinic or hospital or Doctor who could see a chronic patient with no insurance.  Anyone care to take a guess at what I have found?

Not even the county health department could treat me. Why, you ask? I’ll tell you: the ONE Doc that the Gregg County  (where I live now…in HELL) Health Department  has, does not believe in pain management for the chronically ill.

I’ll say that again for the cheap seats in the back…THE ONE DOC IN THE GREGG COUNTY HEALTH DEPARTMENT DOES NOT BELIEVE IN PAIN MANAGEMENT FOR THE CHRONICALLY ILL.

You see, I haven’t the time or energy to go in to all the legalities of pain management, that’s another story altogether. But I will say this: nearly 5 years ago my good Doctors at Baylor and I noticed that I was having more frequent ruptures of cysts, the cysts were getting larger and larger and I was living in pain, every day. The natural course was to recommend me to their Pain Management Department. I went through another battery of tests, tried every alternative therapy, signed consent and release forms and was required to attend regular Psych evals to make sure I didn’t become a drug addict, due to the fact that the ONLY treatment that would work on intractable pain, was opiod therapy.  I’ll say it again: The only treatment for intractable pain is opiod therapy. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Intractable pain is more commonly known in the medical profession as “organic” pain, or pain that no other meds can get to. Tylenol, Advil, Motrin, Aleve and the like, don’t work on that kind of pain. The source of the pain is actually inside and around the organ itself. It’s not nerve pain like other illnesses. And, it’s not like headache, joint and muscle pain. It is ORGAN pain, typically from swelling of the organ due to growing cysts or infection from passing stones, or both. Either way it’s a lose/lose proposition with this disease. Most kidney disease patients need a transplant by the age of 40…I’m 39, and very fortunate that I still have kidney function. My father had it and died at the age of 42.

I spent nearly a year with the Baylor Pain Management System trying to get the meds and dosages right. They were understanding and worked with me very closely to help manage my pain so that I could live a normal life. After all, I worked full time, had kids to raise and did a lot of volunteer work. I couldn’t just miss a few days while my kidneys did their thing. I wanted to live. And live I did for the next 4 years. While I had insurance. I even spent a year in Jacksonville, FL with the Mayo Clinic, who also monitored my disease and pain management, again telling me there was nothing else they could do but ease the pain so’s I could live a more normal life.

Here’s where it gets really good. Now that I have no insurance, I am the uninsured sick. Our great country’s dirty little secret. All the hoopla going on about the health care bill this and the health care bill that, is really for the INSURED. Since losing my job and insurance and moving back to TX I have seen 5 Doc’s and they all say the same thing: We can see you for your disease, but we don’t treat pain. And, you will have to pay cash (anywhere from $150 to $300 per visit). And my regimen of meds costing anywhere from $500 to $800 per month makes visits to a Doc quite a joke. A very painful one.

I have been referred to 5 clinics who are supposed to help the uninsured. And they do, so long as you only need a shot or you have a cold. Maybe you have diabetes or a heart condition and need a refill on your heart pill. But if you need anything more than that you are SHIT OUT OF LUCK.  A nurse actually compared her diabetes to my kidney disease.  Lady, diabetes can be controlled…kidney disease can’t.  ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I became so frustrated that I actually asked one Doc if he could just remove the offending kidneys and replace them with good ones so I can go on living a semi-normal life. I figured if he couldn’t help me in any other way, that must be the solution.  He grinned and walked out of the room.

Now, I have some confidence that I will again have health insurance someday. I’m not one to sit around and die a slow and painful death by kidney disease. But I tell you this: I would pay DOUBLE my own health premiums if it meant that not another person has to go through what I have been through over the past month.

I had made a Myspace post several months ago about the legalities of pain management in this country. I’d love to rehash it here, but that’s for another time. I’ll leave you with this: If you were told you had an incurable disease that would cause you crippling pain on a daily basis, there was no cure for it, no treatment for it other than opioid pain management therapy…what would you do? What if it was your child? Your mother, father, sister or brother? What if it was your best friend?

Does any of this make a difference in how you view the political BS of the new health care bill going on in Washington?  It should…  Why? What would you do if you lost your job and health coverage for your family and someone became seriously ill or was already being treated for a serious illness? Where would you go?

Companies are still laying off, our economy isn’t bouncing back as fast as first thought and there are thousands and thousands of people in my same predicament. You could be next!

And, one last thought (my opinion): Our health care system is set up to keep people ill, not cure them. Go ahead and compare our system to other countries..even underdeveloped countries and third-world countries. They at least attempt to heal their sick and use preventative care on a scale that we may never see.

Diabetes? Get real… You awful, sonofabitch health care worker. You should be so lucky to only get kidney disease and lose your job and insurance, after the nasty karma coming your way, my dear!

The ire I have spread on this post and thrust at you also comes from the fact that I have a semi-friend who has a chronic pain illness. And she had to resort to street drugs when she lost her job and insurance BECAUSE of her disease. The doctor visits were too expensive and again, no one will treat chronic illness with pain management, on a sliding scale or at a discount, when there is no insurance.  This is a travesty. It is humiliating, degrading and can have dire consequences.

<Gwen jumping down from the soap box>

Merry Christmas Gifts and Ever Changing Times

I haven’t written in a while for 3 reasons:

1) Very busy with the move. It’s not easy to get adjusted to country life and not much to occupy my over-active brain out here in Gladewater, TX.

2) New job. I’ve been working nights and that adjustment is really tough, thus far. However, I really enjoy the job duties and have been making sure to get plenty of rest during the day.

3) The general malaise that usually sets in for me this time of year. I’m completely used to it and ok with it. I mean, I’m not a scrooge, I just don’t get “the feeling.”

It’s this 3rd reason I want to write about.  You see, I’m a last minute shopper. I can never seem to get it together enough to do year-long gift shopping, I don’t go to the “black Friday” sales and basically feel much more organized if I can get my Christmas gift shopping done all at once, in one weekend.

This year is different. My year has been so cur-bobbled, confusing, and altered to the point that I don’t know whether I’m coming or going, most days.  Now normally for an Aries like myself, this would be a welcome challenge in the mundane life we normally lead, but this gal’s getting older and some days I’m just too damned tired to deal with the accompanying frustrations of these qualities. Hence, not much shopping got done and I chose to use my talents and ‘gifts’ for gifts. And, I felt much better for it.

Something else has really been on my mind. Everyone is well aware of the state of the economy, so I won’t go there. But as Christmas drew near this year I noticed something, that for me was a little out of sorts, in our slim times. Folks were still out buying up Christmas like it would save them from economic hardship. Stores were full of people, shelves were being emptied and it was business as usual for the good ‘ol faithful American.

Now, I realize that it is said that spending keeps our economy going strong. But come on. When will we ever get back to the core values of the spirit of Christmas? Now, I’m not downing anyone, I just want to make a point here.

Giving of yourself is the best, most valued gift of all. I truly believe that and always have (it’s what I was taught).  You see, no matter what Religion or what you believe was there ever a “buying” gifts clause in any tradition? Ever? (Note: If there is, please send it to me so that I may amend this post)

Christmas in my family this year was very slim, yet here I sit with my normal ‘blahs.’ See, nothing changed. I didn’t feel better or worse for it. The times they are a changin, but no one seems to notice at this time of year, so far as I can tell. Were there any cut-backs in spending? Did more folks choose to make gifts instead of buying them? Did more people give of their own talents and use their creativity instead of the credit card? I’m not so sure.

My favorite Christmas gift this year was from a friend who colored me a picture from a template that I had sent him!  LOL! It was amazing! The story goes like this: This person is very creative and I had come across a set of ‘grown-up’ coloring books on Amazon for really cheap. I bought several and made copies for some friends and family that I knew would appreciate and use them. These coloring pages are meant for colored pencils and markers and the like, not crayons. They have very intricate designs and can be a challenge even for adults.

You should have seen the look on my face when opening that gift. It is beautiful, to say the least.  He had it framed and then wrapped.  And, the fact that this person did this just for me made me remember what Christmas really is to me.

So, in closing, have your Merry Christmas Gifts in these Ever Changing Times, and I wish only the very best in life (whatever that may be to you) to you and yours…but I’m gonna stick with the warm-fuzzies of homemade and creative gifts from the heart, not the checkbook.

On turning people out of your life…

You’ve had an argument with someone. A person has done a wrong to you. You’ve been lied to. You’ve been cheated in some way. Or, you’ve been turned out of someones life for doing any one or all of these things. This is the focus today. Remember, you yourself have been turned away, you’ve done a wrong to someone, you’ve told a lie, you’ve cheated someone, and you’ve had arguments that led to losing a friend or family member. You have turned your back on someone dear to you, probably because your pride was hurt more than anything else. We all have, come on…get real with yourself.

People aren’t ‘things’ to be tossed out like garbage when they no longer serve our purpose. Human beings are vulnerable to making mistakes, making bad choices and making you mad at some point. Why risk losing a person in your life who could be the best friend you eve had, over something you yourself would want to be forgiven for?

Giving someone the cold shoulder, ignoring them and turning them out of your life teaches people to be mistrustful and to be afraid of you. Withholding your love is always a bad idea and is no more than bullying. People you are close to should never feel the threat of losing your love. If you choose to use love as a weapon you are merely a bully who wants everything your way, and this just cannot be in a connection between people, whether friends, couples, sisters, etc. In any relationship there are always at least 2 people, and both must learn to be tolerant, forgiving and not bully each other or use the withholding of love as a way to get what each wants. It causes lifelong harm and doing that will surely bring some pretty bad karma, later on.

Good vs.

You have the opportunity to choose to be good. To be a good person, deep down with all the bitterness of past hurts and the pains of living life and learning lessons…you still have the opportunity to not let those things creep in to your heart and fester there. You can choose good and choose not to have bad. You can choose to only live in a positive and rightly way and change your karmic outlook forever, by letting go of the false security of bitterness. Evil, bad, wrong…these are all choices. You can even choose not to acknowledge evil, bad and wrong by turning away from them. Making a conscious effort to do the right thing, help someone else, make a good choice, be unselfish, do random acts of kindness, improve the well being of another, give selflessly, and take good care instead of being uncaring are all things we have access to each and every day. Take advantage of these things and make up your own ‘good’ things and you will reap great rewards for it. Doing the right thing is a choice and living a good life is a choice. Your past does not dictate who you are and cannot force you to be a mean, spiteful, hurtful or vengeful person. You were not born with a mean streak, you didn’t turn bitter because of your past, your childhood did not mold you in to a miserable person. You can make a different choice at any time.

You know exactly why you are getting this little message today and it really is your choice.