If you love someone…

If you love someone you would be willing to give up everything for them, but if they loved you back they’d never ask you to.

–Anonymous

(Disclaimer: I am writing this from a female/wife/mate perspective and this in no way implies that men don’t experience the following in some way or at some point in their relationships, and this is simply an observation of my own personal experiences.  This post is also a rambling response to the feeling that came over me when i read the above quote, so if it seems a little disorganized and weird, its ok. I just had to get this out of my system and my head.)

The anonymous quote above was posted on someones FB yesterday and it really made me think about some things. Most women I know DO end up giving up so much for the person they love, without even knowing it until  it is too late.  Meaning, when you do realize you have given up too much of who you once were to become the perfect wife, lover, partner you can’t really remember who you once were after enough time goes by.  Maybe a picture, a memory or a phone call from an old friend sparks something deep inside you that reminds you of one or two elements of the past ‘you,’ but there’s still no full picture of that original person.

Now I must backtrack on this only to add one caveat: some women refuse to give up any of themselves and insist that their mate do the ‘giving up.’  All of it.  And what they end up with is a partner they don’t much care for.  Why? Because they insisted a man (or woman, whatever your preference may be) give up what makes them a man.  Sometimes, without knowing it, a woman nags, complains, whines and demands to the point that her partner is pressured to do and be someone he is not.  Do this scenario over and over and over and the man ends up only a part of who he once was. Usually, that is a man you don’t much care for and over time you lose respect for a man that gives up what made him so attractive to you in the first place.  You see?  I know its confusing, but if anyone reads this, it may be a familiar scenario.

Back to the original point:  When a man takes much of who you are, asks you to give it up in whatever way that may be, he is left with a woman he doesn’t really care for…and you are left not liking yourself much, as well.

Another caveat to this post:  Most women give up the individual they once were when they have a child or children to become a mother. This is obviously not so much ‘giving up’ who you are as it is more of a ‘becoming’ who you are meant to be. Children change everything and an individual woman becomes very connected to their offspring taking on a bit of a different person.  Not completely losing who you are as a woman, ‘motherhood-ness’ is integrated with the person you once were, resulting in more of who you are meant to be.  You see? But this is about a male/female relationships, not mother/child relationships.

Back to the original point.  One can only give up those elements that they have to give.  See, I am not bitter or angry at changing myself for the men I have loved. With 3 husbands behind me, I have become 3 different women. I have changed and morphed and altered and sacrificed and at the end of each marriage I always feel that I gave up what I had to give up.  When the marriage is over, I get it back and re-up so-to-speak, to have strength and love and passion for someone who someday, will have something to give back.  That is always my hope.

I just don’t want to be or become a woman who has nothing to give.  I want to compromise and give, I would just like to have someone who can compromise and give to me also.  That is the balance, that elusive balance that is so rare these days.  My 3 marriages may seem like a joke to some, but I keep trying.

Husband #1 The Alcoholic:  I was young, too young. He was a little older and quite full of himself but I was so in awe of his passion and ‘manliness’ but he completely fell apart when we lost our first son to SIDS. He became an alcoholic and to this day lives a very terrible life in a drunken stupor. I stopped giving up who I am after only 7 years. I tried everything to help him, but he was lost to alcohol. I supported him in every way I could – giving up all of me. He lost himself and never wanted to recover and in this 7 year process he lost him, I lost me and in the end, I wanted ‘me’ back – he didn’t.

Husband #2 Commitment-phobic:  I fell in love with a man who was my best friend.  We had known each other for many years and I liked who he was.  I figured marrying your best friend was the best possible scenario. A forever friend, lover and husband.  After the wedding and honeymoon, he lost his job and began to act very strange.  I suppose he started to feel useless despite the fact that I was supporting us just fine.  When he did go back to work he developed a crush on several women he was working with and had several affairs in a short period of time.  I can’t really say why but I suspect he was attempting to prove he was still attractive to other women.  He wanted attention from as many women as he could get.  In all the years I had known him, he didn’t want much of that type of attention until after he was married.  Something in the commitment scared him to the point that he just couldn’t be tied to me in that way.  So, turns out that marrying your best friend can turn them in to your best enemy.  LOL! We parted ways after only 7 months.  Fortunately what I gave up of myself, he gave back to me, willingly. And to this day we are very good friends again.

Husband #3 the Narcissist:  The worst of all. A classic and very ill narcissist.  He is completely unaware of his issues and hurts everyone he comes in contact with.  He took the most from me.  The more I was willing to give the more he demanded.  I wanted to ‘fix’ him…and we all know how this turns out.  LOL! Stupid me.  When he took all I had to give, he threw me out like garbage…twice.  However, I look at it this way, I had enough inside, enough of what makes me human, enough of what makes me a woman, to give and give and give. And in the end, I came out bruised and emotionally battered, yet surprisingly ready to heal and return to ‘me.’  I will probably revisit this entire story in another post someday…its a doozie! 

At this point  I still have hope and faith that someone is out there that won’t ask me to give up any of who I am.  Someone who appreciates all aspects of me, even the damaged and battered and old worn out parts of my body and soul.  I know that what I gave up of myself, the person I was giving up everything for, didn’t deserve it, not really.  I know this because they kept trying to take even after I didn’t want to give anymore up, for them.  As I attempted to return to ‘more’ of me, they didn’t like it one bit.  And as a result they had to lash out in anger and bitterness and hurt  that didn’t belong to me or wasn’t really aimed at me…..not really.  Because a person like that has to take and take and take to feel full and fulfilled.  They are so devoid of anything remotely human that it hurts to just be and let be.

This type of person started out with something, lost it and never got it back…and the tragedy is they didn’t miss it, didn’t ever do anything to get  it back and therefore, don’t know they have nothing to give, so to speak.

I know many men like this.  I also know many women like this.  So, this quote struck a chord inside me and I needed to remind myself of who I am and that I am re-upping for my life.  Not just my life, but the best part of my life.

I got on the bike 3 times and fell off.  According to one of my favorite classic movie characters Garp, I am now ‘disaster proofed’ x3!

P.S. I am well aware of the fact that this post is an admission of my own gullibility and that I do attract this type of damaged personality.  Which is a clue as to why I seem to be drawn to these types of men.  But we are all damaged in some way. We all have issues we may never be able to overcome or even acknowledge.  If I limit myself to only perfect people, I will be very lonesome for a long time. I tried my best and gave my all and accepted my partners for who they are until they could no longer stand it.  I look back and know that I tried everything to salvage all my marriages, and have no regrets for the lessons learned and choices made.  I gave my all.

And, I am also well aware that I am not an easy person to live with as damaged and ‘crazy’ as I am however,

In the immortal words of the late Mrs. Marilyn Monroe:

“I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

I didn’t deserve them at their best.  And they didn’t deserve me at mine!

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