The I who am I

“…In a world full of people only some want to fly…”

It’s been quite some time since my last post and it feels good to write a little something again. The thought for this post was born of thinking about who I am.

My birthday is coming up and I was looking back on my life thus far, and feeling very alone. Misunderstood, really. Most people feel alone, I think. At least these days…and at some point, for whatever reason. I’m positive there are just as many reasons and rationalizations for feeling alone-ness as there are people who feel this way. Yet lately as I battle personal demons, I have come to embrace my alone-ness and really feel it. Really get in to it and dig in to – me.

But for this post to make any sense what-so-ever, I must regress back to my birth. I was born an Aries, a Fire sign ruled by Mars. I am also a triple Aries (sun, moon and rising) which makes for a very interesting life, history and base personality. See, Aries is ruled by Mars which is the Roman God of War. And Ares is the Greek equivalent. I am a fighter. A scrapper of sorts. Although I tend not to pick fights or arguments (a lesson learned the hard way in Junior High), if there is a worthy cause you’d better bet I am right there making a case and fighting and arguing in defense of what I perceive as “right.” And when a juicy challenge presents itself/himself, I revel in it! You see, most men I have encountered are no challenge at all. Maybe a little intriguing at first but ultimately, boring, lifeless and again passion-less. Hence the 3 dead marriages…I left them all.

Although I am a scrapper, I feel I can be very diplomatic, which has been a hard thing to train myself to be but I think I have just about mastered it. I learned the hard way that without reason and diplomacy no one listens. LOL! Therefore, the challenges I love the most are mental, or of the mind. Which again, is a part of who I am because Aries is ruled also by the head – or mind.

It has been over 5 years since I have allowed myself to be the “I who am I.” I took a break. I thought I needed it…turns out it was not in the plans of the Universe for me to turn away from who I really am. Hard lesson learned – but learned none-the-less.

A Warrior. All my life I have been fighting for things, causes, people, etc. I love it really. I get a rush from it. I feel most like myself while finding solutions to issues, defending justice and answering a challenge. Therein lies my biggest issue at the moment. After such a long absence from who I really am…the Warrior in me is gushing to get out again and play!

I am entering a most exciting phase of my life and yet…no challenge. I have raised my kids, supported husbands, taught myself a marketable skill for a new career (and I am considered an expert in my field), done years of volunteer work, and have accomplished almost anything I set my mind to. Primarily because I am a fighter who just can’t turn away from a really good challenge. I don’t want to settle and keep my feet on the ground. I have been to many dark places and stay just long enough to get my fill then I’m outta there…or a force moves me to relocate so to speak. To get up and fly away to another challenge.

My mother once told me long ago…
“No one can keep up with you.”
She told me this after I broke up with a boyfriend who turned out to be another disappointment. No sense of adventure, no passions, no dreams, no…challenge.

How do I resolve this in my head? I need challenge or I feel I have conquered and can move on. It has been this way with people, jobs and places. When it is no longer a challenge all the life is just sucked out of me and I feel a pull to move into another challenge. I learned (the hard way, yet again) that when things get dull I could just make up my own challenges…much like a game. But you can probably guess how that turns out…drama. So much drama that drama becomes a bore and again…no challenge in mindless drama.

If anyone reads this you will more than likely have no idea what I have pushed myself into over the course of my life because I just know there are things in this lifetime that I don’t want to miss. In fact, my next post should probably be my “bucket list” that I have been keeping up with for several years now. That would make for interesting reading, I assure!

But for now…I seek a new challenge. The Fire in me is strong now and getting back to original intensity which is really a great feeling. And, the Warrior in me (the Mars) is rearing His head ready to defend, which is making life more interesting and more of an adventure for those close to me. But the I who am I is ready to fly…again.

Just wanted to get this out of my head and into the cyber dimension so as to keep the memory of me for me.