Honor, Loyalty and other Nonsense

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary the term “Honor” means: “… a: a keen sense of ethical conduct : integrity <wouldn’t do it as a matter of honor> b : one’s word given as a guarantee of performance <on my honor, I will be there>.”

I take this to mean that one has a strong sense of personal values which they live by, not subject to much interpretation or change. My sometimes unrealistic and idealist view is that most people live by a personal code of honor. I am commonly proven wrong at the most amazing acts by people I thought I knew well in this way.  Life is rockin right along and then someone pulls a stunt or an act that makes me really surprised at the lack of their personal honor and I wonder if they even know it, or think of it in this way.

I’ll give an example: A man married for 15 years with children, a home, job and basically living the American dream suddenly decides one day, quite out of the blue to leave his wife, kids and home for another woman. Now, I know one must honor themselves, but what Universal law governs the loss of honor to the original commitment to wife and kids? Where does that go? Is it really justified by “honoring” oneself to follow your ‘heart’ all willy-nilly, jumping from life to life, leaving behind destruction, devastation and heart-break?

I say a resounding NO WAY! The cowards way is any way that does not honor vows, promises and other forms of binding agreements, written or otherwise. Of course I’m always guilty of staying in situations way beyond my welcome in an attempt to honor the vow, promise or agreement I made, to my own detriment. So, am I honoring myself by doing this?  I don’t know.

It was not always so. Used to be, and at one time, I made the same self-serving and selfish decisions I see others making and I used the same shallow excuses for my behavior. But I really got tired of being let down by those who had no honor in their lives and realized that I had none, either. So, I set out to change that. And it is a hard and long road to attempt to change such a seemingly unattainable goal. But I really like the word itself and this drove me on in my quest. I work at it every day and realize this goal will always be a work in progress.

Am I allowed to change my mind once I’ve made a promise?  Of course. The disclaimer to this is that there is actually a good way to make a mind change…honesty. If at any time I feel I’ve made a mistake or made a promise or vow in haste and need to backtrack, honesty to myself first, then honesty to the people or person to whom I made the original promise. If I try to hide the fact that I have doubts, the other will know it on some level and those feelings can begin to cause mistrust, doubt and I will have, at that point, stopped honoring myself along with the other(s) involved. There is also a timeframe and manner in which to make such changes to promises, in order to save the others involved as much heartache, trouble, inconvenience, etc. In other words…making a life-altering change for yourself and others, there must be substantial time to make necessary adjustments and planning for said change.

I look around and see very little honor.  The real kind of honor that isn’t just lip service and ‘show.’  I don’t want to have to expend the extra energy it takes to make up empty excuses for my bad behavior or poor judgment.  I’d much rather have honor and live in honor. When I honor myself, I honor those around me. Cowardice is easy…too easy for my taste.

Now loyalty is defined (by the same reference source) as: “Unswerving in allegiance: as a : faithful in allegiance to one’s lawful sovereign or government b : faithful to a private person to whom fidelity is due c : faithful to a cause, ideal, custom, institution, or product.”

This term has become almost non-existent these days, in my opinion. I can count on one hand the people I know who actually know what loyalty means and actually practices it as a part of who they are. This is so disappointing.

An example: 3 friends: friend 1 has a disagreement with friend 2 and friend 3 takes a neutral stance in the issue between the other 2. Now this is a touchy situation. However, if the issue is serious enough, friend 3 remaining neutral is actually practicing disloyalty. Playing the part of Switzerland, if you will. This is dangerous and hurtful for all involved, but in my opinion, one must choose a ‘side’ to support. Otherwise, where is the honor? Can a person really be loyal to 2 people of opposite ends of an issue? Does friend 3 honor both other friends by not taking sides, despite the fact that friend 3 has a very strong opinion in the issue at hand?

I know this is confusing, but I want to revisit a couple of things from a previous post. Family (blood or chosen) is always the side one should take, again in my opinion. We don’t get to choose most of our family members but that doesn’t give anyone the right to alienate a family member because of a disagreement.  You can say you don’t agree, but outright being disloyal is a travesty, to me.

Chosen family: once you make a choice to call someone ‘family’ and accept the person(s) into your family, that’s it, done deal. You must accept the person for who they are, good, bad or otherwise…and stand by that person, no matter what. That’s loyalty. And being a loyal person, you have honor.

It’s just crushing to see a lack of these qualities in people. I don’t get it. Have we really strayed so far from our values that people are expendable, as the mood or circumstance changes? Do we, as a society promote the lack of honor and loyalty? Is this what I’m seeing? It almost seems as though these are just words of nonsense that casually get thrown around in an effort to make one ‘look’ better or feel better about themselves. Provided, anyone even really thinks of these terms as meaningful values anymore.

I want to. I have always had a tendency to choose sides, if you will. If I am pushed to make a choice or take a side, I do it based on what I believe to be my truth. And, I attempt to do this with as much honesty as possible. Not perfection, like I said it’s always going to be a work in progress. But a work that defines me.

In the past few months I have seen friendships torn apart, marriages ended and families divided. And, being close to these situations I saw horrific lack of honor and loyalty. Achieving these qualities takes work…hard work. But only those things we work hard for are worth anything in this life. Right? Am I way off course here? Does anyone care to have honor and loyalty associated with their own value system anymore? Or is it nonsense now and considered too old-fashioned and out-dated to be loyal to a friend and honor ones family?

Up on my high horse, I am always humbled when I see honor and true loyalty in action, but it rarely happens anymore. As a side note: When I do express my own loyalty and honor to myself, beliefs, friends and family I usually get in to trouble or at least lose a friend or 2. Why is this? I stand by what I believe, why is that so hard for people to understand? Is it frightening in some way?  Do I offend others by standing strong and not giving in to what someone else wants me to do, think or say?

I don’t know. But I’ll tell you this: I want to continue to back my beliefs, my friends and my family at any cost and live in honor and loyalty.

Then again, you really have to know yourself in order to know what you are loyal to and what/how you honor.

Maybe there are just a whole lot of people who don’t know themselves well enough to make those choices.

To be continued…